Beauty, Quiet Dignity And Moral Seriousness

I quote here the words of Rev Dr Giles Fraser because they are part and parcel of a much necessary debate concerning weddings. In a BBC Radio4 interview, he expresses the need for couples to re-think their wedding agenda in the name of christian values and safeguarding marriage. He boldly states that he and his colleagues prefer funerals to weddings because they still hold beauty, quiet dignity and moral seriousness. Some weddings, nowadays, seem to somewhat lack those qualities.

Although I operate professionally within the wedding industry, nothing in this interview is new to me. I take on board the criticism against a consumeristic approach to the wedding day. You all ought to know that only a few seconds after announcing I was going to be a wedding professional, my atheist mother replied: I think organising weddings is immoral!

Yes, mum has strong ideas about pauperism. I must admit that with this one sentence, she has helped me more than anyone else to keep true to some core values over the years. Basing my thinking on this, I have forged my conviction that the effort couples put into organising their wedding day can be an act of love and respect to each other and their family and friends, rather than a hollow exercise of keeping up with the Joneses, narcissism and self promotion. It all really hinges on a few simple points.

If people are at the centre of the focus on a wedding day, then all aspects of a wedding can be conduced to something relevant and useful. The role of a coordinator, as I envisage it, is exactly to facilitate such attention toward the essentially human aspects and free the couple from the burden of looking after the material things, whilst taking care of each other and their people. Modern living imposes quite absurd timetables to couples, young and not so young, and in order to make wedding logistics and plans work, there is the need for a time input of 250 hours, on average.

I was taught from a young age that form is nothing without content: content is already the perfect moral blueprint for the form; the more the content, in this case genuine feelings, the better: there is more to translate into formal beauty in a dignified and serious way. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be surrounded by beauty or working hard for the pictures to be perfect. In actual fact, feeling beautiful, princess-like and on the top of the world on one’s wedding day can be a wonderful reference for the rest of one’s life, especially when the going gets tough in a marriage. I always think about weddings from this specific prospective: creating memories and images to remember all the right reasons for a couple being together.

Contrary to the general perception, a wedding is not a collection of services and products as per dictated by fashion or marketing. Least of all, it should be considered a collection of taste dictated by affordability. A wedding is the union of two people, an event to share with family and friends: a gift on many levels. Some may view it as a gift from God. Budget, in all truth, has very little to do with it.

An holistic approach can combine spirituality and intimacy of the wedding as a selfless act of putting the other person before oneself with more mundane aspects, without the interference from commercial pushiness, competition to outdo others, or exploitation of clients’ insecurities for the purpose of gain. This is of course my own take on spiritualism and materialism, but I leave each couple to draw their own conclusions and prefer to work around them with my own ethics.

I really love the Canaan Wedding passage in the New Testament, when Jesus helps out with the wine supply after an organisational blunder. Without hesitation he provided the solution to the materialistic problem and made the party memorable. Oh no, I am not comparing a coordinator to the Son of God, or I should be excommunicated. But perhaps Jesus himself shows us that there can be a happy way in-between and the celebrations have a certain relevance. A good coordinator can in all conscience lead a couple through the forest of does and don’ts, making it easier to get to the right conclusion and maintain a balance between the meaning of marriage and the theatre of a wedding.

To conclude: my mother has since developed a certain fondness of my job. She even attends some of the weddings and enjoys being amongst the guests, in the role of a silent and well dressed wedding crasher. My immoral profession has brought us closer and that, in my opinion, is a little miracle.

The Chelsea Clinton Case

Getty Images

Who would have thought that getting married would call for a PR campaign to counter the vitriol and cynicism usually unleashed in an American presidential election battle?

Well, if your parents are Hillary and Bill Clinton, facts demonstrate that probably investing in a really good PR person would have cut the bride-to-be some slack. OK, let’s re-wind back to the nineties, when Bill Clinton was president: his wife and daughter were not speared any nasty comment from the media. Every unflattering photo was used.Why did those remarks need to be released is beyond my understanding: it was raining on an already wet floor.

Fast forward to today and we are all witnessing a watershed in the history of wedding planning in its public handling. Everything in this case is played out in the public eye, or so we are lead to believe by each and every news-source. Social media are abuzz and quite frankly, I feel a little overwhelmed in trying to keep up with all the contradicting information coming through, after initially taking a professional interest in this wedding: the guest list, the wedding bill, the dress, Obama not invited… uh-ah! ‘The cake, do you know how much the cake costs?’ ‘£7,000!?’ – It does not take a genius to work out that 300+ guests will need a huge amount of cake and the per head cost is £23. And we know of celebrities who have gone well over that and many other things for their big day.

But what really I find significant, is the commentary that accompanies what should be this weekend’s joyful event, in which two young people are about to form a family and start their new future together. It is not just a descriptive commentary from a distance: it is abrasive and almost politically masterminded in its shocking brutality.

Clearly, both the bride and groom have not done enough in their lives yet to deserve the media attention they are having at this point in time and find themselves unnecessarily surrounded in such ferociously burning limelight. Their parents are the ones who did all sorts of things. But let’s not forget, it is not the parents getting married on Sunday. It is the children and it is a wedding after all!

Ok, we all get the fact that Americans do not have royalties and substitute this vacuum with the American presidential dynasties of the likes of the Kennedys or the Bushes. They all live in a world of their own and they have far reaching influences. Still, they are human and perhaps we could just avoid certain lapses in style and etiquette from our part, leaving them to do as they please for one day. They will do that anyway on Sunday and yes, they will not always be as perfect as they would like us to believe the rest of the time.

Perhaps Chelsea is the victim of mismanaged PR well before the announcement of her engagement to Marc Mezvinsky came through. Perhaps, Malia Ann and Natasha Obama will not be reserved the same treatment. One thing is certain: in America private life is not private at all, from the White House onwards.

I wish Miss Clinton what I would wish any bride in the world: a lovely day on Sunday, her bride-groom to be everything she wishes for in life thereafter and a happy and long-lasting marriage… safe in the knowledge the bride will look stunning!

The Secret Wedding

Juliet and Romeo might be the most famous fictional couple to access a secret wedding, but they are certainly not the last to marry in secret.

Of course, one of the most important aspects of marriage is to publicly declare the union of two people, but the actual contracting of the marriage can be performed not only away from the eyes of the general public, but very often, without families and friends participation or knowledge. The idea behind this is that there is always time for more or less public announcements and celebrations on a large scale. Tears will eventually  flow, but only after the phone call comes through.

No, I am not talking about the classic Las Vegas quickie wedding or couples with serious family interferences of the likes of the young couple in Shakespeare’s tragedy; rather, of an entirely new phenomenon of global proportions involving planning and premeditation in secrecy. Lately, celebrities seem to be sneaking into register offices and such all around the world and formalise their union. We, the general public, know all about their wedding escapades with a slight delay, but can still access the occasional photo and gossip plentifully about it. Then, we are hit with a rainfall of photos and reportages about the after-secret-wedding party, which usually takes place after the honeymoon and with enough notice to allow (the press), other celebrity friends and family to spruce up.

In the real world, in which the rest of us live, there are technical reasons for a small ceremony first and big celebrations some time after, perhaps geographically very far removed: visas and paperwork, the impossibility to move  key guests for health reasons, avoidance of moving 1/2 of the party from one continent to the other etc. Still, a steadily increasing minority of common people are going down the keep it small and keep it secret road too, especially if bride or groom, or both, are no longer first timers. Mainly, when there is baggage in the way, couples have a certain determination to go behind other people’s back and do it alone. The choice might be done to guarantee a very intimate and stress free day or two, but those nearest and dearest need to be very laid-back to let this one go without any upset. Worse case scenario, the news reaches the family before the bride and groom break it to the parents or children.

I have no idea if this trend is just a fashion statement that will soon disappear or is here to stay. It certainly looks like hard work to me, to bite one’s lip, get on with normal life and be organising a wedding ceremony without arousing suspicions, perhaps abroad.

A secret wedding is just another way to approach the start of married life, freeing the formalities and intimacy of the moment from the social and public side of things. My husband and I did something similar, separating our civil ceremony from the big church mass and celebrations in Italy and it worked for us. We chose not to keep it a secret and in spite of that, our parents managed to get all confused as per the time when to send the flowers to the register office and the validity of the marriage certificate… I rest my case!

Just Like Grace Kelly

Every bride is not just a princess, she is also a movie star to me.

Yes, brides are all the same and I tell you why: whilst preparing the bride for her big day, I take the time to observe her face and body language. Regardless to the physical appearance or usual level of confidence, every girl I take care of, goes through moments of vulnerability, seriousness and self-discovery as she gradually becomes: the bride. It matters very little how many times the make up has been tried on, the hair-do rehearsed and the dress taken out of the wardrobe, the first time a bride looks at herself in the mirror in complete attire on the day of her wedding, the reaction is the equivalent of an atomic bomb of emotions exploding on the inside. The main over-tones are joy and complete and utter surprise: ‘I have never seen myself this way!’

That is the magic moment when finally the penny drops, after months, perhaps years, of preparations: she is about to say ‘I do’ (or ‘si” in Italian). She soon will be at the centre of attention of the man she is about to marry, their friends and family as well as cameras. It does not take much to understand that her adrenaline is at a all time high and she is feeling the full force of the momentum.

I want any bride in my care to be picture-perfect, each one in her own way. I pull all the stops going through the details necessary to achieve that result with the bride and key suppliers alike. I want to be sure that the right thing is done by her, in order to feel confident and happy in herself and, at the same time, bring out those qualities that are not for every day display. Every girl has them.

Always there, all the way, my presence is to ensure the smooth running of all operations of the event, above all, the main character of the fairytale. So, there is never any excuse for the star of the show not to smile: she will walk down the isle with confidence and aplomb and pull off the rest of the day in style, just like we have prepared her to do… Just like Grace Kelly.

Anniversaries

There are all kinds of anniversaries, many more than ready-made cards can be easily sourced for. Sometimes we remember them by heart. Sometimes we have to be reminded. Others, it is impossible to get away from. Very few compel us to act and prepare something in advance. Marking an occasion in a special way is always a wonderful opportunity to show we care about someone or something on yearly basis or in multiples thereof.

Last week, my husband had a gorgeous bunch of roses delivered to my door for our 5th wedding anniversary. It brought back lovely memories and when he returned home after work, it allowed us to talk about our married life and have fun. Every year, on that day, we like to remind ourselves we bought our first flat 2 weeks after our wedding and laugh at the titanic move we operated on grandfather’s Fiat 600 from London to Cambridge. Every year, these joyful events come all mixed up with family members birthdays, epic events, like Bastille Day on July 14th, and more sombre dates collected over recent years: the London July bombings in 2005, the tragedy of Stava in 1985 and the killing of Judge Borsellino in 1992.

If one wanted to be totally thorough, there could be more than an anniversary for every day of the year. Yet, the truly important ones are very few and I think their relevance is directly linked to their rarity. Anniversaries are important, if only to break everyday monotony by paying respect or celebrating for a reason. They also give people, families and communities a compass of feelings and values in life.

This is exactly why it is important to be in control of the anniversary calendar: when breaking into a new diary or feel totally board, sit down and work out the anniversary opportunities, possibly 1 or 2 years in advance. Ask yourself the question: what is important to me and what is important for the people I love. You can be as creative as you want, as long as you get the right date in the diary.

By default, decisions can be taken and desires put into action: trips, dinners, cards, gifts, a telephone call to someone far away and various delicate touches can find their way into reality.  I know people who take things onto a much more organised level, even allocate budgets and decide a saving plan to be able to accommodate a specific anniversary in style. I do not call them control-freaks, but people who know how to give a little spice to life.

Planning an anniversary diary only takes 5 minutes and works wonders forever after!

Should, Could, Would

As a professional wedding and events organiser, there are three things I hate and will not allow on my watch: to see clients and guests overpay for services and products; to see them forced to obey impositions if they do not want to, especially if these are made to appear as etiquette-compliant; to see people generally being treated badly or with contempt.

I perceive my role as one of service to the client to acquire more and better, to enjoy their experience with their guests and for the suppliers to shine. What I do consists of listing all possible avenues, analysing them, offering guidance and then implementing the best solution for my clients, at every step of the project: aesthetics, logistics, strategies etc.

Here a classic example: if a couple already owns a fully furnished house, would an all singing all dancing pots & pans, crockery, cutlery and glassware gift list be absolutely necessary or could guests be pointed in other directions? What are the alternatives? Who would deliver them? How would these solutions work in that couple’s specific case? – The decision making process is as important as the final result, in my book.

The beauty of being a totally independent events coordinator is that I only obey to client’s orders, not those of suppliers. This guarantees that contractually, I do operate in the best interest of the clients and protect them in every aspect, unconditionally. Oh, sometimes I wonder what would happen, should I decide one day to publicly spill the beans on the many attempts made on me to woo clients into unfair deals, opening the doors for me to care about my own profit… Luckily, a little discretion goes a long way and sticking to the contract goes even further.

I suppose, the success of the events I organise boils down to two things: clarity of mind on the client’s part in wanting such protection, as well as my own set of  ethics, honesty and imagination.

The beautiful image used in this post was created by Ian Talbot and you can view the complete series on Objectively-Speaking.com.

Love Padlocks

In primis there was a book, ‘Tre Metri Sopra Il Cielo’ (translated ‘Three Meters Above The Sky’, 1992), by Federico Moccia (1963). It tells the story of a young love and a padlock closing with a click-like promise of love for eternity. Then, came love-padlock-mania. To most Italians, it seems, it is all happening only in Italy. Youngsters have gone mad, attaching padlocks as tokens of love to gates, bridges, rails and lampposts. This is the new graffiti, authorities say: antisocial, disorderly and costly to remove… but wait, no, it all started way back in the early 1980′s, in Hungaria.

That of the love padlocks is a trend on the up, worldwide. Two people who want to assert their love for one another simply buy a padlock, write both names, the date and then close the small contraption with some degree of satisfaction, walking away with the keys.

Padlocks can be removed, over and over, by authorities; but those love-birds, who attach their feelings to their chosen urban landmark, monument or place of natural beauty with a piece of metal, is pretty much free to do so. Let’s face it: councils can only get more efficient in taking them off, but to monitor every hot spot 24/7 is not really an option. History proves this very point. So, what is the antagonism all about? Perhaps it is an open invitation to defiance!

Personally, I find the phenomenon quite harmless, charming in fact. I think that Venice, one amongst the very many super-romantic places on offer in Italy, should grant legitimacy and a space dedicated to hanging love on display. Surely, if they want to, they can manage the spaces where this new tradition has taken up residence. Authorities can get creative with this and turn it into a little urban feature that makes everybody happy.

W L’AMORE!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_padlocks

Royal Wedding: Victoria & Daniel

To me, every bride is a princess. Call me fixated, but every bride should feel and be treated like one every day, especially on her wedding day. The pedigree does not matter at all and so does the budget, social status, profession or wealth.

In the Western World, we fortunately live at a time when class divides have been somehow re-negotiated: the big divide between nobles and commoners has been blurred. Monarchic stability is directly linked to personal stability these days and therefore young royals are now allowed to settle down with spouses they really love. Once upon a time, for royalty, being in love was a bonus, whilst marriage more of a duty.

Still, the wedding of a princess is the very stuff fairy tales are made of and we all, more or less, look at it with curiosity, if not scrutinise for inspiration and exercising a certain sense of envy. It is perceived as an historic moment and every aspect of the event is considered, talked bout and sticks in our minds as a reference.

You can imagine my anguish, when I discovered that images of the Royal Wedding in Sweden were trickling through the internet in drips and drabs and much with delay, last Saturday. No world-wide broadcast, as expected, due to a copyright dispute. In my opinion, this was a wasted opportunity to show the world a wonderful performance of style and grace, carried out with aplomb and simplicity. Yes, simplicity. I do not recall having seen anything over the top about the ceremony and public appearance in Stockholm. Have you?

Princess Victoria looked stunning and radiant. Her gown was classy, essential and bearing the whole-marks of her title, as well as historic references to her family and parents’ wedding. The Groom, Daniel, was dashingly handsome and spontaneous. They both fumbled whilst exchanging rings and seemed at ease expressing their emotions in public, even amidst all the protocol and formalities.

Are royals becoming more like us and we are becoming more like them? Perhaps we should all feel more like princes and princesses in our own lives too, because we already live lifestyles that exceed those of monarchs in past centuries, given the advances in technology, medicine and at socio/economic level. You do not need to look very hard to see that this is true and, perhaps, your wedding day was/is going to be not that dissimilar to that of Victoria & Daniel, after all.

We wish Victoria Crown Princess of Sweden well and send our congratulations to Daniel, Duke of Västergötland, who were married on Saturday 19th June 2010 in Stockholm.

Photo credits: Getty Images

Wedding… just a joyful event?

As the wedding date was approaching, feelings and emotions were starting to become more palpable for us and around us. Amongst all the excitement and the happiness, we knew that other kinds of emotions were going to be part of the mix and, if necessary, we would need to address them on the day in the most delicate possible way.

There was no way to deny the fact that 6 VIP people were missing in our guest list in total, as they had passed away, some at very young age, others in old age. Everybody felt their absence and I am sure that even during the ceremony and party, that sense of loss was present in our hearts in some measure. I knew that mentioning them could somehow make our relatives crack a smile and remember the good times. So, we framed the pictures of our parents and grandparents on their wedding day and put them on full view.

Guests appreciated this little display. There was the physical reminder of our family history, the links in our recent genealogical tree. For some, it was a way to commemorate a spouse or a parent. But the greatest emotion was for me to see the eldest guest react to it. I will never forget the way my grandfather looked at himself dressed up as the groom, 55 years on. He was surprised and pleased of the mention, but I think he also could look back at his life, establish his achievements and remember the marriage to my grandmother, his children (one of which is no longer with us) and the fact that his life was nearing its end. He was not a man of many words, but his silence could speak volumes.

My mother in law sat down on a bench after the wedding breakfast and took a moment for herself. She looked thoughtful and a little sad. Both of her sons got married 2 months apart. I know she felt her nest was empty, even if she had plenty of time to adjust to the idea. I suppose she perceived herself officially old and she kept repeating this to us for months to come. But right there and then, a little joke about having a sip of wine made the trick and brought her back to enjoying the rest of the evening. She claims she was upset because she had prepared one outfit for her husband and he had just picked another at random from the wardrobe, hence arousing suspicions he could not afford two suits… but we know that is a very remote possibility.

My own mother was a little shocked due to the wedding party we had created and very likely compared it to her own, which she had chosen to be low-key to the point of defiance. She had some funny exploits on my day and we still laugh about them, although at one point I made a sarcastic remark to stop her in her tracks. She certainly did herself justice by turning up in the most flamboyant outfit I ever ever seen her in, to counter the thing that she regretted most about her own wedding: her pure plastic gown. She always warned me against the dangers of buying cheap and on impulse… this is why she has everything done by a dress-maker and what she can tackle herself she does.

We noticed that unmarried cousins and friends might have felt a touch of emptiness, as their personal circumstances were far from the achievement of marriage, as it seems to be perceived back home. One guest opted for complete and utter drunkenness, much to the disappointment of the groom’s brother who picked up the pieces. Most of these people are now married and settled but we knew back then that everything we would say to them would need to be considerate and in avoidance of rubbing their noses into things. Then again, 2 of our cousins died before having the chance of ever falling in love and I am sure their parents did think of them on the day and reminded themselves of the joy they were missing out on.

One of my best friends braved a cross continent trip with husband in tow, in spite of deep problems she was experiencing with him. They later divorced, but at the time, I knew nothing… retrospectively, I must say that she behaved in an admirable and unselfish way, although I would have been more than happy to share of such burden… after all what are friends for? – Mind you, on her wedding day a few years before, I was the one who had a serious sob of envy for not ever having been so much in love as they were.

Finally, let’s talk about those all important tears: one of my uncles wept in church and then in the evening, when he was well drunk, he had another go… but if you ask him he will deny everything or say that he had something in his eyes. I, the bride, am exactly like my uncle and did manage to turn up late in church because the make up artist mentioned to me my late grandfather and uncle at the end of the session. She ended up cleaning my face off completely and start from scratch, as the waterproof products could not withstand my handkerchief action. So, during round two, she kept telling me jokes to keep me distracted.

So, I would conclude that yes, weddings are always happy events: tears of joy might be mixed with other emotions that are perfectly human and licit. In fact, if those feelings were not expressed right there and then, I would seriously question the  humanity of the guests.

In my wildest dreams

No matter how organised and ready for battle a bride is, the world is not going to stop because she is getting married. As a professional, I know that expecting the unexpected and thinking the unthinkable is an asset. Still, nothing had prepared me to be emotionally involved in the events that unfolded during the 10 days count down to my wedding, both on a personal and circumstantial level.

On the morning of 7th July 2005, I was on a bus on my way to work in South West London and blissfully talking on the mobile to my cousins in Trentino about wedding stuff. London had just been awarded the 2012 olympics the night before and there was jubilation in the air. It was a beautifully sunny morning. When I arrived at work, it became clear that that day was no ordinary day. Suicide bombers had blown themselves up on three underground trains and one bus, killing and wounding innocent people, disseminating havoc in the capital. Although nobody I knew was involved directly in the blasts, this event made family and friends panic. We were thrown into a world-wind of our own.

The London bombings was a shock for everyone; my perception of reality changed as everything was becoming surreal. It had nothing to do with wedding jitters or tiredness: the overwhelming reality of the event took over my mind for a few days. At first phones were down. Then, everything at work had to be rescheduled, due to the bombing’s domino effect. It was impossible to talk about anything else with colleagues and clients; we all had our eyes and ears glued to the medias. Additionally, a minor part of my wedding plan had fallen through, as I had arranged to pick up an item in Brick Lane, East London, and it sat right next door to one of the bombed stations. It really did not matter to me, as the item longed-for for months suddenly became completely meaningless in front of the tragedy. I even started questioning the meaning of holding our event, in the wake of the bombings.

I felt cheated out of the happiness that I deserved as a bride-to-be. I felt angry at the bombers because they had accomplished horrendously inhuman acts against the city I was living in and also stained my white wedding preparations with blood and anguish. In this sense I felt radicalized and bitter.

My fiancé and I were glad to land in Italy, one week before the wedding. We could finally leave the anxieties of the bombing behind. In that, we were very lucky indeed. For the following 48 hours, we had the impression we were in for plain sailing as we only needed to finalize finishing touches. But then, my world was tilted upside down once again.

My lovely grandmother, the one who always had an infallible memory and was in charge of producing sweets and raspberry juice for the spumante toast, had asked my parents to speak to me, so, I did immediately accommodate her request. She appeared very distant and angry over the phone. I could not understand what she was saying, because she kept accusing me to have stolen items from her. Yes, I had paid her a visit the day before. 24 hours later, she was adamant that I had removed the juice bottle from her kitchen without asking for permission. In fact, the contrary was true: she did wrap the bottle up with brown paper, handed it to me and made endless recommendations as per how best to use it. Of course I thanked her for her cooperation.

It was clear to me that grandmother was suffering from some sort of confusion, most likely senile dementia. The person I knew was no more, I realised that in a few seconds. By the end of the conversation, although she was physically still holding the receiver and talking to me, she was as dead to me as if she had stopped breathing altogether. My first reaction was to end our conversation as soon as possible and then report back to the family my version of the story, urging them to take action. Above all, I felt it was necessary to make grandmother relax and comfortable, as she had worked herself into a state of anxiety.

I became inconsolable and felt desperately guilty not having been able to calm my grandmother down nor convince her that she was entertaining the wrong idea. Aunts and uncles had to intercede to bring her to an acceptable level of reasoning: it must not have been easy as nobody really knew what pathology they were dealing with. At night, I found it was difficult to sleep, as grandmother’s words kept resonating in my head. By association of stress, my memory was taking me back to the time when Uncle T and Grandfather S passed away. I begun missing them even more that the usual.

Selfishly, I started considering that grandmother’s presence at the wedding was possibly going to be a liability, because she was going to finger me as a thief in public, unless she managed to forget about it all. I immediately dropped the raspberry juice idea to avoid any confusion on her part. That bottle is till sitting in my Italian fridge, untouched, five years on. With it, other little details had to be shelved, because time was taken up by events I could not control.

My fiancé and I made a point to dedicate a prayer to people who are ill, the beloved relatives we lost and all the London bombing victims during our wedding ceremony. In that moment, as I stood at the altar in my gown, I finally felt peace exploding inside of me.